You Are Entering a Toxic-Free Zone
As I evolve, I become less and less capable of fake relationships. Over the past few months, I have been taken on an unexpected journey that led me to realize that I. AM. NOT. CRAZY. If you struggle with understanding your struggle with relationships that leave you feeling empty and worse about yourself than when you decided to engage with the person, check out this YouTube video series from Alan Robarge.
After watching a few of these videos- really, it only took one- and deciding to join his official community, many things about the inner workings of my mind became evident. The battles I have had with myself regarding my self-worth, the acceptability of self-love, what my community has taught me about the appropriateness of purposely choosing to only intimately interact with people who don’t leave me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally drained… there is a reason I was having constant anxiety attacks. My nervous system was out-of-whack. It was screaming at me to run for my life.
The past few months has been a wild ride as all the false gunk I learned about relating to myself and others is being exposed for the trash it is and uprooted. It is being replaced with the knowledge that it is okay to pick me, family is not over everything when it comes to my well-being, and it is okay to decide to do something that goes against the grain of what you have been taught your entire life when it comes to relating with others. It is okay for me not to be okay with accepting unhealthy, toxic relationships. It is okay for me to not be okay with merely accepting, “That’s just how I am- deal with it.” It is okay for me to not be okay with only receiving emotional crumbs from others- it makes no difference who that person is.
Unfortunately, I did not grow up having any sense of myself. I was trained to make myself into whomever the situation warranted for me to survive it. Today, for instance, my grief processing had me reflecting in complete devastation on how frequently I have placed myself in a position to be debased by men. However, this behavior was an automatic response; I never was told to behave to the contrary. All I knew growing up was that I had to be okay with being treated like dirt, because that’s “just the way it was.” As I continue this challenging task of working through the years of pain that are a direct result of my “attachment trauma,” I was deeply saddened. I was horrified at the memories of the ways I have treated myself and allowed others (particularly men) to do so as well. I also was at a complete loss as to why it was not deemed necessary by an older adult to teach me something different.
Self-betrayal was all I knew.
As I voyage through this stage in my life, being a 42-year-old woman who realizes the depth at which I desire true relating, but not with most of those with whom I have surrounded myself with these 42 years, it is a daunting task. Uncovering the real me underneath the person I became simply to survive, has revealed someone I’m kind of digging- a lot. As much as I am enjoying this new phase, it’s scary as hell.
If you would like to connect with me further, you may find me on Twitter and Instagram- @NowWithNicole.